K9 News Network Election Update

K9 News Network Election Update

General Ranger R Ruffington at the FLB Taproom Command Center

During this time of unprecedented crisis, we here at KNN (K9 News Network) thought it would be a good time to check in with the four Doggos running for Leader of the Pack.  We met with each candidate to discuss the overall situation and see what advice they wish to pass on.  We first spoke to Bella R Dogga, leader of the United Retrievers Party.  Given her duties guiding Fetching Lab Brewery as well as running for Leader of the Pack we were quite pleased that she was able to give us and interview on such short notice.  “All I can say is that things are changing faster than a Chuck-It Ball thrown by and MLB star pitcher… and with this “don’t put things in your mouth” ban… have you ever tried retrieving a ball by kicking it?  What next, hitting it with a stick?”  Mrs. Dogga was gracious enough to show us around her Taproom.  “As you can see, we had to modify our business model to accommodate the reality of the Coronavirus epidemic.  Currently, every time we come up with a plan, before we can implement it, we have to change to something else based off changes to Federal and State guidelines.  It has been more annoying than the old “Fake Throw” used by “Dad” from time to time.  I am very pleased with the way my team responded.  To design and implement a totally new To-Go system on such short notice… that’s keeping your eye on the ball.”  When asked what advice she had for her constituents she simply said, “follow the guidelines that you are provided and don’t lick your paws … for now.”

We were fortunate that while we were at FLB Taproom, we had an opportunity to interview Prof. Oberon O P Sobbar who heads the Doggos Encouraging Reform Party.  He explained that this extreme social distancing requirement has giving him an excellent opportunity to gather more data on the Nap portion of his Grand Unifying Theory of “Enough”. “With every crisis there comes opportunity.  I was expending a lot more effort on Belly-Rub data gathering than I could afford.  Thanks to this priority shift, I now have data that confirms that naps can be a crucial part of Social Distancing for Doggos.”  Prof. Slobbar is a strong supporter of firsthand data gathering and believes that his work will change the lives of Doggos everywhere… if he can make the effort to publish it.  Regarding the Covid-19 epidemic he stated, “Hu-mans, with their obsession with numbers… why not Covid-food-bowl or Covid-Squeaky-Toy?”  He offered this advice to his constituents, “Just sleep it off and if you have to touch me, wash your paws.”  As of the writing of this article, he is deep in a data gathering session.

Given all his responsibilities with the Yard Advanced Protection Services and running of the FLB command center, General Ranger R Ruffington was very difficult to reach.  We did manage a phone interview with him which was challenging in and of itself as he lacks opposable thumbs to hold the phone. “I have been advocating for extreme Social Distancing for some time now.  The less people around Mom the better. It appears that my efforts have started to pay off.  Over the last few days, the humans have been coming to the Taproom in groups of 10 or less.”  He stated that the overall situation has been tricky as he has had to deal with Dad much more than normal, “It’s not too bad dealing with him from time to time but now, it’s like he thinks he lives here!”  When asked his stance of the Covid-19 epidemic he responded, “Exactly 3 feet outside the back door, facing the Yard, ears up!”  As to advice in handling the current epidemic, “If you want to stay healthy, stay off my lawn!”

Of the four candidates, we had the hardest time catching up with Piper U McPuppers.  Rumer has it that the Face First philosophy of the current Lickatarian Party leadership is struggling to gain traction in this time of epidemic.  We were able to catch up to Miss McPuppers at a rally in Alpine, TX.  Her only remark on the record was,  “Due to the CDC’s moratorium on licking things, the Lickitarian Party has no comment at this time”.

We would like to thank each of the candidates for taking the time to speak with us.  We wish them all the best of luck in their upcoming campaigns.

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